Joyriding

Ethan's got a new favorite toy....... his brand spankin' new 4-wheeler power wheel. It took him 1 and a half seconds to figure out where his feet where supposed to go and that he needed to push the red button on the handle for it to move. Although he hasn't really figured out to hold down on the button, so he's still jerking a little bit -- kinda reminds me of the first time I tried to learn how to drive manually. The stirring..... now that's a different story. Most of the time, he's too busy waving to his imaginary fans or looking back to see how much he's smoked his imaginary racing buds.

Oh and notice the tribute to the Cleveland Cavaliers -- Mike's basketball team (who are close to beating the Pistons in the Eastern Conference!).

Back to School Again!

With everything else that is going on in my life right now, I have NO IDEA what possessed me to decide that this would be an "okay" time to jump back into the unavoidable, dreadful Calculus class that I need to finish my undergrad... (well, that and two other classes which I hope to finish by Spring). I thought about taking a class at a local state university, but circumstances right now don't allow much room for a traditional face-to-face class... so my next best resort was to take it online. I mean, I've taken online classes before.... but Calculus???? I think I've officially gone over the edge. Aside from the fact that I loathe the subject (which makes my interest in the class close to zero), the last time I even took any kind of Math was probably 3 years ago if not longer, so you can understand that I'm not exactly in the groove for limits and derivatives.

I just keep trying to tell myself...


You have to. You have to. YOU have to.


And if I just hang in there and by the grace of God actually pass the class at the end of August, then I'll only be two classes shy from joining the ranks of college grads who probably spend the best years of their lives striving for a degree that they want absolutely nothing to do with after the fact!

Day at the Ballpark

It's been TWO days since I've seen my baby and I miss him A LOT. Hospital rules don't allow kid visitors so Ethan's spending a couple of days with grandma and grandpa. I know Mike misses him too because this morning, he started to watch an episode of Little Einsteins!

Anyway, I finally downloaded the photos from Mother's Day and it made me miss him even more. It was his second time at the ballpark, and that time he actually lasted the whole game!

It's awesome seeing him watch the players at awe. He likes to raise his hands wanting the players to throw him the ball, and it's even funner watching him try to keep up with the ball when they start throwing it around.

Maybe we have a future ball player in our hands! :)

As for Mike, we're still at the Monitoring Unit and waiting for the doctor to tell us if they found anything on his EEG. I gather we'll be here for at least a couple more days.......

The War Isn't Over

Just as I was starting to sink in my all-time LOW in the look-good department, something happened today that gave me a small hint of hope...... I was on my break and on the way to get some donuts (just kidding - I was actually getting my afternoon dose of sweet tea) when some random guy driving past whistled AT me and yelled "Damn, girl!!". Normally, I would ignore it and keep walking. But this time, I couldn't help but immediately let out a small smirk. I never thought something so barbarically stupid would make me feel good, but you bet it did!

Granted...... I've done all the things that screams defeat in the war against the flab: packed up all the size 5 jeans and skimpy size small tops to make room for forgiving tunic-length shirts that (seem to) skim over my thicker middle and fuller hips, shopped for the South Beach diet and threw in the white flag after ONE day of starvation, chucked my running shoes in the backside of the closet so I don't feel too guilty everytime I see it.... *sigh*

I'm not naive. Ethan is 15 months old and gone are the days (FAR gone) when I can get away with "I just had a baby". Believe me, I even tried to get an extension by reasoning that it took me 9 months to put it on and so I should get 9 months to take it off plus a few more to recuperate. Truth is, even if I only ate a cracker a day for the next 6 months and ran the length of the Wall of China every night, I know that my body will NEVER be back to the way it was. Not that I had a smokin' Victoria Secret model body to begin with anyway.......... but still. It would be nice to get dressed and NOT have to worry about someone mistaking me for being pregnant.

Hold your horses.......... I'm NOT pregnant.

I just feel like I am.... because of this kangaroo pouch attached to my stretch-mark-designed belly.


And while my self-esteem issues will probably boil for a while until I get my lazy butt in gear (duly noted: these pouches don't dissolve on their own), I have enjoyed that split second of someone other than my husband acknowledging that there's still hope for this hot mama. :)

15-month Check-up

Weight: Whopping 24.4 lbs
Length: Staggering 31 inches

I wish I could brag about a perfectly healthy baby, but probably for the 6th time since getting his tubes put in, Ethan has (yet again) another annoying ear infection, so (yet again) on another set of antibiotics. Other than that, the ped reassured us he's "right on target" with all of his milestones. We've been in that office so many times (this year alone) that I've noticed Ethan gets pretty gitty when we go. If he wasn't juping up and down on the exam table, he was trying to get into the cabinet under the sink to steal some grape-flavored tongue depressors!

This is Ethan messing around laying down before the nurses came in to hold him down for his shots. In fact, he didn't even flinch when they stuck him on the leg! He got one on his arm and that bothered him for all 2 seconds then got over it. What a trooper!

And I just had to add this one of him putting daddy's hat on leaving the doctor's office... he couldn't look any more innocent if he tried!

Self-preservation

Have you ever felt like your life's being thrown into a trajectory of a whirlwind and you just don't know where it starts and where it ends? I do. I'm not even slightly excited that it's a Friday -- and that worries me. Frankly, I'm not sure what happened the rest of the week. I vaguely remember being in Toledo shooting engagement photos last weekend and now I'm here.. relentlessly trying to salvage what's left of my sanity. Writing has always been an outlet for me, and although it's going to be hard to share some of it, I'm hoping it'll give me back some sense of normalcy.

Mike's seizures seem to be getting progressively worse. At first, they were strictly sensory -- funny taste in the mouth, weird smell. He used to get headaches with it which led us to think it might be migraines, but that was eventually ruled out. The sensory episodes grew more frequent, though completely random. Then he started complaining about getting dizzy, or losing orientation. Still, we couldn't figure out whether they were related to anything or just arbitrary symptoms. There didn't seem to be a contributing factor or a specific trigger for any of it. Then about a month ago, he actually lost consciousness (couldn''t tell how long) while he was driving to work one day. We were very blessed that he didn't get hurt, or anyone else. But when he finally got to work and called me to tell me what happened, I could feel the fear in his voice. He suspected that it was a seizure so I suggested that he call his neurologist right away and that's when we found out (after months and months of seeing the doctor and NOT getting a diagnosis) that he actually has partial seizure disorder, otherwise known as epilepsy, and that he is recommend not to drive at least until we get the seizures under control.

Epilepsy? I couldn't think of a word more intimidating. My initial reaction was less than stellar, and I don't even remember if I sounded anything close to compassionate. I mean I knew Mike's condition wasn't like of the social stigma that people think when they hear the word -- person laying on the floor, entire body convulsing, foaming up on the mouth -- but I felt afraid of the unknown. I remember getting angry at the neurologist for taking this long to tell us what was really going on. On those doctor visits that I accompanied Mike, he'd vaguely mention the word "seizure", almost as if he was afraid to say it. I grew even angrier realizing that he's had Mike on the same medication for almost a year and done nothing but increase the dosage everytime Mike complains about the symptoms getting worse or more erratic. Obviously, the drug's not working... it would only make sense to try a different approach, right? But what do I know? Watching the weekly episode of House certainly doesn't make me an instant diagnostician -- but what I am is a concerned wife and friend. We have found another neurologist who has more experience with seizures but the appointment's not for another couple of weeks. He's also made an appointment with an epilepsy center (the only one in our state) where they might keep him for a couple of days for testing and observation but that's not til the end of the month. The appointments couldn't come any sooner -- it's like holding our breath..... until we find some real answers.

I know that it's expected for me to feel this way but I feel helpless sometimes, I feel that there must be much more that I could do. I worry that he would fall in the likes of those who let the epilepsy define who they are and only see the limitations, as oppose to focusing on the opportunities. Although I know that that's not the person I married, I feel responsible for constantly reminding him that. Since the diagnosis, there has been this unstated cloud of tension in the house. Even though he doesn't come out and say it, I know he hates that he has become dependent, that he is not able to just take off and go where he wants. I know he's frustrated that some people have made him feel as if his life is now pretty much "over" -- which couldn't be farther from the truth. Can I blame him? NO! A thousand times no, I can only stand by and be there for him as long as I am physically and mentally and emotionally able.

I just hope he knows that....

Tahsin and Justin

I took Tahsin and Justin's engagement photos this past Saturday in Toledo. We spent some time at the Museum of Art and then finished the day at the Botanical Gardens, just right before it started to rain. They're such a sweet couple -- both very conservative (they're the first couple I've shot who didn't want to kiss on camera), but you can tell they have a lot of fun together. I'm also shooting their wedding at the end of the month.. and I can't wait especially since they're having a traditional Indian wedding!