Thursday, September 29, 2005

Post wedding blues

I woke up this morning and couldn't help myself but wonder if I'm starting to sink into depression, just utterly bored, or just a temporary victim of hormonal instability. Frankly, i can't tell the difference anymore... today's just another day.

Yes, I was a little down after coming into realization that the wedding was over. I should've been relieved, and I guess to a certain degree I was. I have to admit I don't miss the bickering over the ever growing guest list and the stress of how we're going to finance the wedding of our dreams... but mostly, I was sad that the single thing that I had looked forward to for the past year is exactly just that... a thing in the past. Everyone seemed to have enjoyed it. I fancy hearing people talk about how perfect it was, and how surprised they are that we actually pulled off a beach wedding most people only dream about. To me, it just seemed like the day went by so fast, almost like a blur really. I remember waking up that morning and worrying about the last minute place cards we still had to glue together, and then it almost went fast forward and suddenly I remember swaying to our last dance in the middle of bubbles. We didn't go on a honeymoon afterwards. We decided that Cancun, which was planned way before we found out about the baby, wasn't something we wanted to risk. So we headed on back to West Virginia and a day later, Mike went back to work while I had to stay home and tried to hold onto my sanity.

After the wedding, I went through some kind of withdrawal.. desperately begging everyone for any pictures they have of the wedding in hopes that I could relive the day even by just looking at some snapshots. It did me justice for a while, until I got burnt from looking at the same pictures over and over - sometimes until 2 in the morning. And after putting away the last set of wedding presents, I became even sadder that the last thing on my agenda might be the one thing that I've been making up excuses to hold off on (perhaps my last desperate attempt to stay in "wedding mode") -- the thank you cards.

Of course, it doesn't help that I'm currently playing the role of the "domestic housewife". Although somehow, i think claiming that is even worse than just saying "unemployed". I had a before the wedding... but due to circumstances beyond my control, I am now forced to wait until HR says I can join the rest of the human race and suffer the same boredome at work. I hate staying home. It pains me that I'm not easily amused by digital cable unlike most people, although from time to time I will sit through a rerun of CSI or an episode of The People's Court.

And alas, I don't want to fail to credit the lovely state of West Virginia for having perhaps the most limited resources for bored people. I miss LA's free concerts, countless museums, stretches of beaches, Starbucks and Barnes and Noble at every corner, and HELL... even sitting in traffic on the 91 freeway or the 10 will kill at least 3 hours of your day. What they have a lot of here are parks and trees... maybe tomorrow I'll feed the ducks.


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