I had decided that I would go back to work way before Ethan was even born. My main reason being my sanity (aside from tending to my son, I get bored having nothing else to busy myself with)... but the decision also carries the verity of necessity. I had been okay with the whole idea so far.. that is up to today when it all of a sudden hit me this morning as I was trying to sway him back to sleep after a 6 am feeding...
and I just couldn't stop crying...
Even with a great deal of preparing for it mentally and practically, I am left with a loss for words. Combing through a ball of emotions, I think I mostly feel guilty. As if I'm about to "pawn" my son to someone else to be taken care of... but I know that this arrangement is what's best for everyone right now. Although I know it's wrong to even nearly entertain the idea that wanting a life outside changing diapers doesn't make me a bad mother... I can't help but expect many days of 15-minute breaks spent crying in a bathroom stall. On one hand, I don't want to miss the first words and the wobbly steps, and wipe away the tears when he bruises his knees... but on the other hand, I dread being "stuck" (for lack of a better word) in a domestic treadmill where the greatest satisfaction is being able to finish the second load of laundry that day.
It's tough especially when my support system, outside my husband, has been degraded down to delinquent long distance phone calls and sporadic messages from distant friends on myspace. When I go back to work, colleagues will ask about how I'm coping and offer sympathy... sadly, it'll probably be comparable to the kind of sympathy one would get if someone close to you died. I'd personally rather do without that...
I feel helplessly wedged in an emotional tug of war.
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1 comment:
Before my kiddo was born, "the plan" was to go back to work at 3 months. He is now almost 8 months. I still have not gone back to work. :) Good luck dear, do what's best for you and yours.
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