Why Never To Ask Favors Of Designers

This was sent to me by email (a coworker thought I would get a hoot out of it because of the reference to the graphic designers - my current trade) and I laughed my ass off.... it resembles so much of some clients I work with. It's well worth the reading!

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Story goes:
Shannon (the secretary) has lost her cat and has asked David (the graphic designer) to help with a lost poster. This is their email correspondence.


From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.15am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Poster

Hi
I opened the screen door yesterday and my cat got out and has been missing since then so I was wondering if you are not to busy you could make a poster for me. It has to be A4 and I will photocopy it and put it around my suburb this afternoon.



This is the only photo of her I have she answers to the name Missy and is black and white and about 8 months old. missing on Harper street and my phone number.
Thanks Shan.



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From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.26am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
That is shocking news. Luckily I was sitting down when I read your email and not half way up a ladder or tree. How are you holding up? I am surprised you managed to attend work at all what with thinking about Missy out there cold, frightened and alone... possibly lying on the side of the road, her back legs squashed by a vehicle, calling out "Shannon, where are you?"
Although I have two clients expecting completed work this afternoon, I will, of course, drop everything and do whatever it takes to facilitate the speedy return of Missy.
Regards, David.




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From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.37am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Poster

yeah ok thanks. I know you dont like cats but I am really worried about mine. I have to leave at 1pm today.



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From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.17am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
I never said I don't like cats. Once, having been invited to a party, I went clothes shopping beforehand and bought a pair of expensive G-Star boots. They were two sizes too small but I wanted them so badly I figured I could just wear them without socks and cut my toenails very short. As the party was only a few blocks from my place, I decided to walk. After the first block, I lost all feeling in my feet. Arriving at the party, I stumbled into a guy named Steven, spilling Malibu & coke onto his white Wham 'Choose Life' t-shirt, and he punched me. An hour or so after the incident, Steven sat down in a chair already occupied by a cat. The surprised cat clawed and snarled causing Steven to leap out of the chair, slip on a rug and strike his forehead onto the corner of a speaker; resulting in a two inch open gash. In its shock, the cat also defecated, leaving Steven with a foul stain down the back of his beige cargo pants. I liked that cat.

Attached poster as requested.

Regards, David.



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From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.24am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

yeah thats not what I was looking for at all. it looks like a movie and how come the photo of Missy is so small?




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From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.28am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,

It's a design thing. The cat is lost in the negative space.
Regards, David.

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From: Shannon Walkley
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Thats just stupid. Can you do it properly please? I am extremely emotional over this and was up all night in tears. you seem to think it is funny. Can you make the photo bigger please and fix the text and do it in colour please. Thanks.


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From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.46am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,

Having worked with designers for a few years now, I would have assumed you understood, despite our vague suggestions otherwise, we do not welcome constructive criticism. I don't come downstairs and tell you how to send text messages, log onto Facebook and look out of the window. I am willing to overlook this faux pas due to you no doubt being preoccupied with thoughts of Missy attempting to make her way home across busy intersections or being trapped in a drain as it slowly fills with water. I spent three days down a well once but that was just for fun.

I have amended and attached the poster as per your instructions.
Regards, David.



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From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.59am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

This is worse than the other one. can you make it so it shows the whole photo of Missy and delete the stupid text that says missing missy off it? I just want it to say Lost.


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From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.14am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster



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From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.21am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

yeah can you do the poster or not? I just want a photo and the word lost and the telephone number and when and where she was lost and her name. Not like a movie poster or anything stupid. I have to leave early today. If it was your cat I would help you. Thanks.


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From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.32am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Awww

Dear Shannon,
I don't have a cat. I once agreed to look after a friend's cat for a week but after he dropped it off at my apartment and explained the concept of kitty litter, I kept the cat in a closed cardboard box in the shed and forgot about it. If I wanted to feed something and clean faeces, I wouldn't have put my mother in that home after her stroke. A week later, when my friend came to collect his cat, I pretended that I was not home and mailed the box to him. Apparently I failed to put enough stamps on the package and he had to collect it from the post office and pay eighteen dollars. He still goes on about that sometimes, people need to learn to let go.

I have attached the amended version of your poster as per your detailed instructions.
Regards, David.



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From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.47am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Awww

Thats not my cat. where did you get that picture from? That cat is orange. I gave you a photo of my cat.



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From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.58am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Awww

I know, but that one is cute. As Missy has quite possibly met any one of several violent ends, it is possible you might get a better cat out of this. If anybody calls and says "I haven't seen your orange cat but I did find a black and white one with its hind legs run over by a car, do you want it?" you can politely decline and save yourself a costly veterinarian bill.

I knew someone who had a basset hound that had its hind legs removed after an accident and it had to walk around with one of those little buggies with wheels. If it had been my dog I would have asked for all its legs to be removed and replaced with wheels and had a remote control installed. I could charge neighbourhood kids for rides and enter it in races. If I did the same with a horse I could drive it to work. I would call it Steven.
Regards, David.



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From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.07pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Please just use the photo I gave you.


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From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.22pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww



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From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.34pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

I didnt say there was a reward. I dont have $2000 dollars. What did you even put that there for? Apart from that it is perfect can you please remove the reward bit. Thanks Shan.


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From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.42pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww



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From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Can you just please take the reward bit off altogether? I have to leave in ten minutes and I still have to make photocopies of it.


********************************************************************


From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.56pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww



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From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 1.03pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Fine. That will have to do.

Dad Life

This is hilarious......

Dad Life from Church on the Move on Vimeo.

One Excellent Husband

A guy woke up in the morning with a terrible hangover. Next to the bed was a couple of aspirins, a glass of water, and a note from his wife.

"Honey, there's a hot breakfast waiting for you in the kitchen. Love, your wife".

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He stumbles into the bathroom and notices a huge black eye. After shaving, he goes to the kitchen, and sees that the hall mirror is broken too.

His son is in the kitchen and as he's eating his huge breakfast the guy asks the son what all this is about.

"Well, last night you came home drunk off your ass, stumbled into the mirror and hit your head on the doorknob. Mom helped you to bed, and as she?s trying to get your pants off you kicked her away and said "get off me lady, I'm married".

Cha Cha Slide

Deployment's a bitch. But if these guys can have a little bit of a break by getting down to the Cha Cha slide, I'm all for it.

Smart Ass

Got this in an email from a coworker today and made me chuckle...

'Nuff Said

Thunder Sticks are for...

Random silliness.

Taken from the AVP Beach Volleyball Tour

Swine Flu Scare

This poor kid's pic has gone viral since the outbreak...

Over the weekend, the president tried to assure everyone that this new strain of swine flu is a "cause of concern, not alarm". News reports spiral on the first documented death of a toddler in Texas this morning, after having traveled over from Mexico.

It's all over TV. It's all over the radio. It's all over the net. It's all over....

I'm in California for pete's sake. Every other person here probably knows someone who knows someone who have recently been to Mexico.

Case in point:

Just found out this morning that one of the guys that work for us is getting tested as we speak for the swine flu. He went to Mexico over the weekend and came back sick. I'm not sure how long the process is for finding out if you're infected with the virus... but we're all getting somewhat nervous. I'm hoping they shut down the office and desensitize it, but most and foremost, I hope he doesn't get tested positive.

The World Health Organization just raised its alert this morning another level -- two levels short of declaring a full pandemic. News reports also confirm that the virus is being transmitted human-to-human, not pig-to-human. Forgive me for not craving for pork chops, but I think I'll stay away for now until all this is over.

Apparently, It's Not Friday

I think I’m losing my mind….


I was on my non-merry way to work this morning, listening to the news on SIRIUS. I was barely listening to the commentator finish griping about the whole water boarding controversy when the segment switched over and the next anchor said “Happy Thursday”.

Then I realized I was wearing jeans.

Checked my cell phone, and sure enough, it’s only Thursday. For a second, I attempted to concoct an excuse to tell my boss why I was dressed like it was a Friday, but all of them made me sound stupid. So instead of driving back home to change, I stopped at a nearby Target and bought slacks that were on sale for $10. Surprise, surprise, I couldn’t justify buying a whole outfit. My top and my shoes are passable. No one would ever know.

I HONESTLY thought it was Friday.

How in the world did I lose a day?!?

Chinese Fortune Cookie

This was in my fortune cookie tonight......


"You have a strong desire for a home and your family comes first."

It's found a spot on my wall, next to my family, where I can see it every day.

Vain Revelations, Monkeys, and Celebrities with No Make up

This got forwarded to me by a friend this morning, and it comes at an utmost perfect timing after having a disastrous 2 weeks of terrible hair and uneven mascara. I was ready to break the mirror this morning.

Try putting eye liner on with a cast, forget about it. A monkey has a better chance of doing it.

I wonder where I could get one….

And nevermind my hair. My hair hasn’t seen a good day since the day I broke my thumb. I’m lucky to have a husband who would help me wash it, but he’s not as willing to blow dry and style. Mike straightening my hair is like me trying to re-build an engine.

Doable, but not likely to happen.

So imagine the smirk on my face when I saw other ugly mugs besides my own. It’s nice to know I’m not alone with the “off days”.

Katherine Heigl

Beyonce

Eva Longoria

Penelope Cruz

Cameron Diaz

Hilary Duff

Britney Spears

Pamela Anderson

Anna Kournikova

Goldie Hawn

Debra Messing

This is why I shouldn't own a gun

Mini Shutterbug

Every once in a while, Ethan gets a hold of either my pocket digital camera or Mike’s, and is quite a budding photographer at age 3. He’s outgrown his Kidzoom Vtech digital camera (even though the dang thing is a waste of $70 since it never took good pictures anyway), so he always tries to sneak off one of ours. The only thing that was good with his camera is you could chuck that thing (literally) to the other side of the room and it wouldn’t break into a million pieces.

He used to just like pressing the button and seeing the flash go off. Now, he’s actually got quite a steady hand and a keen eye for things. I like to think he gets that from me.

This is New York from Ethan’s perspective.

It was funny seeing some people react to Ethan trying to take our picture. At least half a dozen people offer to take it for us instead, but we don’t mind having pictures from such a short angle.

And then there are days when I turn my camera on, and I find this:

I'm opening this to your interpretation. To me it looked like a cab getting robbed by a bunch of pirates.... what do you see?

LIVESTRONG

Sometimes, I feel like we're living in a sports bar.

Football is on hiatus, we never miss a Cavs game, Mike has taken a keen interest in hockey, and when there is absolutely nothing else on, he'll watch gymnastics.

For the past week, the highlight has been on the Tour of California. Since he took on cycling as a hobby sometime last year, he's been following the sport closely, and was especially excited to see Lance come back this year after retiring a few years ago.

Mike met Lance at the "Support the Troops" weekend last summer in Las Vegas.

If the weather cooperates, Mike plans to go up to Solvang on Friday to take Ethan to see the "bicycles". Maybe we'll come see them when they get to Southern California this weekend.

Will I ever get on a bike myself? Well, Mike's still trying to convince me. He convinced me once to do a cycling class at the gym, and I swear I walked around funny for the next four days after that. So unless they pad those seats by ten-fold, I'm not gonna rush to the bike shop just yet.

A Quote from my Starbucks Cup

I had one of my sporadic Starbucks run this morning – which was a moment of weakness since I have been really good with cutting back on my sweet tea lately. I haven’t had it for nearly 2 weeks now, a record worth mentioning. But TWICE, I’ve gotten these almost irritating cravings – the first time, I went to Starbucks because I had a coupon for a free Tazo tea, and then this morning, when I was craving some hot chocolate.

I digress.

I was enjoying my hot chocolate when I saw the first two lines of this quote peek through the sleeve...

"I used to feel so alone in the city. All those gazillions of people and then me, on the outside. Because how do you meet a new person? I was very stumped by this for many years. And then I realized, you just have to say, "Hi." They may ignore you. Or you may marry them. And that possibility is worth that one word."

-Augusten Burroughs
Author of Running with Scissors



How many times a day do you pass by a complete stranger, and instead of being a human being and acknowledging the other person by saying “hi” or even just giving them a simple nod? My guess is you regularly turn away and afford eye contact, if at all possible.

These days, I guess, sometimes you don’t even know you’re doing it since you’re too busy yacking on the phone, typing a text message or otherwise consumed by daydreams of other things you wish you could be doing.

But do be careful when you make that leap of faith and say hi to a complete stranger. A smile and comfortable eye contact is (most of the time) all you need. Don’t look overly enthusiastic that may embarrass the other party – meaning, no matter how attractive they are, don’t look like you’re undressing them with your eyes. If you catch their eye, you could say “hi” or an appropriate greeting like “good morning”. Most people seem to prefer just a smile. Waving is not recommended unless they’re sitting on a porch or at a distance away (and they wave first) or else you’ll look like a dork.

Under the weather

You know that bug that’s going around… ya, I got it. Stupid bug.

My ear feels like someone’s repeatedly stabbing it with a screwdriver, my head’s about the explode, I’m sneezing every 10 seconds and my nose is dripping like a faucet – I actually feel really bad for the trash guy having to empty my infested snot-filled tissue piles at the end of the day, my throat hurts every time I take a sip of my Chai tea latte, and I am cranky as hell because of all the above.

I do not want to be at work. I want to crawl up in bed and sleep the misery away.

But I guess I can’t complain too much. Thank God I still have work to go to.

A few of my colleagues finally spoke up in the last staff meeting about concerns with the recession and how it’s going to affect our company. Now I work for a construction and engineering management firm, and a good percentage of our business comes from infrastructure projects with the cities and the state. They tell you that we’re probably in one of the select industries that can be considered “recession-proof” (whatever that means) – especially with all the infrastructure projects President Obama is promising. Then we hear about one of our bridge projects getting frozen because of lack of funding…

OK, so I don’t build the damn bridge. But I work with the marketing department that gets them the contract to work on the bridge. So I like to convince myself that I’m somewhat indispensible and I really shouldn’t be worried.

But I do. Worry, that is. Who wouldn’t?

You hear about people losing their jobs all the time. I talked to a friend from college and she just got laid off (along with 15 other people, including her sister) from a consumer electronics company after working there for 5 years. I know people who work for the state of California who just found out today that starting next month, state employees will be forced to NOT work (and lose pay) for 2 days/month to try to redirect some money for the overgrowing deficit. But I digress…

So one of the supervisors come back with a pageant-world-peace answer. “[Our company] will be fine as long as everyone continues to focus on what we are supposed to do. We will all ride out this together as a team.”

Was that supposed to be reassuring?

I suppose they wouldn’t outright tell us if the company was in any kind of trouble anyway, but I guess I was expecting something a little more specific. Well, for what it’s worth, I really do like this job amiss the late nights sometimes. And I’ll just keep dreaming of my dream job with Disney for now.

How are you feeling today?

Celebrity Sighting, Walking the Walk and Banana Republic Underwear

This happened about a month ago, and although I’m very late posting it (I still have a lot of catching up to do), I couldn’t resist but to brag about my very own brush with fame (which doesn’t happen quite often as I would like living in what some would consider the outskirts of Los Angeles) and a very proud ‘big sister moment’.

Hurley took four rival high schools in the Inland Empire, gave them the unreleased Spring 2009 line and a few weeks to come up with their own signature designs. They were allowed to paint, cut, and alter the clothes and were tasked to put on a 5-minute fashion show at the mall parking lot.

It’s like a Project Runway and High School Musical affair.

Some were cute…

Some not so cute…

2 of the 3 competition did fairly well, but when Jojo’s school came out and performed, hands down, there was no contest.

Ethan sure enjoyed it. I think he was mesmerized by the amount of short skirts that paraded in front of him.

There was one other order of cuteness that had everyone floored, and that was guest judge, Paul Walker… better known for his roles in the Fast and the Furious sequels. Ok, so he’s not exactly Oscar-winning, but he had every teenager in the parking lot weakening in the knees. I kept having NSYNC concert flashbacks with all the girls squealing “We love you Walker!” around me. The guy that’s sitting next to him is supposedly an actor too, but I never did figure out who he was.

Now I didn’t know my brother was going to be in the show. I knew he was involved in the planning and setting up the stage props and all, so we all decided to go for morale support. So it was much to our surprise when he showed up at the end of the performance, all drenched in orange and green (from his roots to his socks), with a gigantic flag and screaming like he was Mel Gibson in Braveheart.

Yes! That’s my bro!

They ended up winning the grand prize for $5,000 which went to their arts and music programs, and of course, bragging rights. They’ve been invited to compete in another fashion competition in Orange County next Spring.

Best part was when they got to take their “victory lap” on the stage and Jojo decided to flash everyone his striped undies.

I turned to my mom, and with twinkle in her eyes she said, “Well at least he’s wearing the Banana Republic boxers I got him!”

Classic.